i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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