at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize