i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
