i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
