Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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