Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
