he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
