the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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