My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
