i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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