cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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