i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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