You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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