i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
