i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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