I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
