as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
