i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
