Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
