omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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