What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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