If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
