i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize