happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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