Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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