Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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