I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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