Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm really busy with my period
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