How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
