I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
