then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
