i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize