you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
