he puts the penis in happiness.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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