careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
