Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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