I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
