My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I need a beard to bite.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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