What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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