Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize