remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize