Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
