Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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