Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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