Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
