im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
