I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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