I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
