When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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