Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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