Sorry, I don't speak sober.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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