The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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