She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
