Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
