I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The air was thick with penises
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
