i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm at about main and main street
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
