she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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