Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
