6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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