I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
