im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
