1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
