Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
