I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
