Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
