I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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