Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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