I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
