I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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