oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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