my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize